American Anguish

Well, I woke up this morning at a quarter after eight.
I'm late and I can tell that it will be one lousy day.
Right off the bat my keys are gone and I can't find my shoes,
My CK shirts have coffee stains and I'm all out of mousse.

I have to search all seven rooms, the patio plus the pool,
and by time I find my phone I'm sweating like a mule.
It's obvious that my central air's not working as it should,
another inconvenience that is pissing on my mood.

I see our maid as I head out, I think she's from Peru,
she steals my booze and swears a lot but makes one wicked stew.
I really have no time for her, or for the chauffeur Ray,
one tough decision to be made and I'll be on my way.

I have to think it carefully for I'll get no second shot.
I rode the limo yesterday, should I take the Porsche or not?
I take the Porsche, it's low on gas, will my troubles never cease?
Please, make this nightmare stop, dear God, I'm begging on my knees!

I'll have to make one fast pit stop and try to change my flow,
I might be late, but not too late to grab a cup of Joe.
No day so bad that can't be fixed with coffee...what the fuck?
Three cars in line? I'm late, you pricks! Look at the fucking clock!

Some XM radio as I wait, they're talking bout some dude
in Cuba sold his kidney for two bottles of shampoo.
A guy is walking past the car, he has a cardboard sign,
"No job, three kids, I need some help!" Yeah, buddy, get in line.

Ten minutes later... yeah, that's time I'm never getting back,
I get my coffee, take a sip, aww, what the hell is that?
I said six sugars, they put five, and creams I wanted three,
But they put six, I can't drink this, it might as well be pee!

I can't believe I spent five bucks on this disgusting bile!
There's not another Starbucks for another quarter mile!
I try to leave and sure enough, one more thing craps my day.
Some homeless lady trips and spills her cans across the way!

And now those morons on XM are talking 'bout some fellow,
in Africa whose water comes in seven shades of yellow.
You can't be serious, man, I mean, this day just fell apart!
I'm late, I'm pissed and just how many cans were in that cart?

My iPhone rings, "Hello? Hey Steve, I know I'm late, you prick!
You had to start without me? Well you guys can suck my... Rick?
I haven't seen him since last night, I left him at the Pub.
Oh, shit! I can't play golf today, that asshole has my clubs!"